the fuck was in those potatoes
by FallingNarwhals
Summary: crackfic. heith. crossover between voltrob and the martian (a lot of swearing)


**so on the danny phantom group chat on slack dot com (pm me ur email if u wanna join) sara mentioned a crossover between star wars and voltron, and then i was like "oh, the martian and voltron!" since the martian is like my fucking religion. lo and behold, this was born.**

"Hey! Isn't that Mars?"

Lance had his nose pressed against the enormous glass-like windows of the castle bridge, eyes glued on the burnt red planet in the distance.

"Allura, we have to explore it! Imagine how stoked NASA would be if some private organization made it on Mars before they did!"

"I believe you're incorrect, Lance. The castle scans show that there is a small habit consisting of one human-like life form on there." Allura replied, swiping the screen over to Lance. "A bit late."

"Only one?" Pidge crinkled their nose. "That shouldn't be right. NASA sends a group of six people to mars every time."

"Should we check on that?" Allura asked. "Humans seem to be rather social creatures. It would be rather odd to have a lone human on a uninhabitable planet alone."

"I mean," Hunk shrugged. "We should. It'll be a great way to announce our homecoming by rescuing a human. But does anyone on here speak english?"

"I think Shiro did."

There was a pregnant pause.

"What the fuck is an english." Allura asked bluntly, attempting to lighten the mood.

"It's another language. Earth has like twenty different languages and English is the hardest one to learn." Pidge rolled their eyes. "I speak it, but not well. Russian and German are my mains."

"Spanish and Russian here!" Lance piped up. "A lot of Americans know spanish, though."

"Indonesian and Russian and a few words in Malayalam. They probably don't speak those." Hunk laughed.

"So humans don't have a universal language? Odd." Allura's nose crinkled up.

"Ay Keith Beef, whatch'a speak in?"

Keith shrugged. "Korean, Russian, and Texan."

"Isn't Texan English?"

"Have you met a Texan."

"The fucking fuck of course you're texan."

"Have you fucking heard me speak texan?"

"Actually, we haven't." Pidge pointed out. "Show us."

Keith cleared his throat, and several accented words in thick english rolled out of his mouth so fast that the translator couldn't keep up.

"Y'all'd've'whоm'st'd've'dist'd'n't'st'd've'll's'd've're'n't'y'all'll'ven't't'whom'st'd'y'all've'nt'll've'y'all'oughtn'tt'shan't've'there'dn't'vet'be'st'dn'mightn't'ven't'st've'ten'y'all'st'd'n't've'll'on't'vehe'd'whom'st'd've'dist'd'n't'st'd've'll's'd've're'n't'y'all'll'ven't't'whom'st'd'y'all've'nt'll've'y'all'oughtn'tt'shan't've'there'dn't'vet'be'st'dn'mightn't'ven't'st've'ten'y'all'st'd'n't've'll'on't'vehe'd'whom'st'd've'dist'd'n't'st'd've'll's'd've're'n't'y'all'll'ven't't'whom'st'd'y'all've'nt'll've'y'all'oughtn'tt'shan't've'there'dn't'vet'be'st'dn'mightn't'ven't'st've'ten'y'all'st'd'n't've'll'on't'vehe'd'whom'st'd've'dist'd'n't'st'd've'll's'd've're'n't'y'all'll'ven't't'whom'st'd'y'all've'nt'll've'y'all'oughtn'tt'shan't've'there'dn't'vet'be'st'dn'mightn't'ven't'st've'ten'y'all'st'd'n't've'll'on't'vehe'd'whom'st'd've'dist'd'n't'st'd've'll's'd've're'n't'y'all'll'ven't't'whom'st'd'y'all've'nt'll've'y'all'oughtn'tt'shan't've'there'dn't'vet'be'st'dn'mightn't'vеn'tve."

"What the fuck Keith that was not english."

"Texan is not english."

"ANyway, back to the task at hand," Allura all but shouted. "Human's don't have the technology to make a distress call but we should check in on this anyway."

"Keith, since you speak the closest thing to English you should go down there." Allura turned towards the red paladin. "Bring Hunk in case you need some help getting wreckage out of the way."

"Babe we gonna have a date on mars."

"Hell yes!" Hunk fistbumped his small boyfriend.

"It appears to be a HAB, but the rovers have been stripped down to nothing, and the MAV had the hydroxide strips peeled away and reconstructed for what looks like a water reclaimer?" Hunk reported after the yellow lion touched down a few meters away from the site."

"Is that a knocked down communications tower?" Keith asked. "How would the cosmonaut report back to nasa?"

"I think americans are astronauts, not cosmonauts."

"Same thing, different accent." Keith waved his hand.

"Let's check the airlock, the cosmonaut could be hiding inside. Yellow is a bit scary looking when you first meet her."

The lion rumbled in agreement, taking pride in her toughness.

"Hell yeah girl."

Keith ran up to the airlock, bouncing a little in the lack of gravity. "These fucks dont have no password on this."

It took ten minutes to unlock.

When they opened the second door, they were surprised to see several inches of dirt on the floor of the dome-like habitat, and green plants sprouted every quarter meter or so. Tammi Terrell's smash hit of the seventies "Ain't no mountain high enough" was playing over the intercom.

And a man, short and wearing deadpool boxers and a nasa shirt, stood in the middle of the dirt covered floor staring at them.

"Uh, hello, we're here to rescue you?" Keith asked in accented english.

"The fuck was in those fucking potatoes."

English has very limited swear words. The translator didn't even bother translating them to a more unique word so it was just the same bland words over and over again.

"The fuck is this fucking place the fuck are you is that a fucking alien y'all fly around in fucking lions do yall have fucking music i've been listening to fucking seventies music for the past fucking 70 sols do you realize how many times ive listened to disco the fuck and my fucking crew thinks im dead can i go say hi to them do yall have anything to fucking eat."

"Just processed food goo."

"At least its not fucking potatoes."


End file.
